Battle of the Ex's
by Reiven
Summary: Slash. Yuriy, Takao and Rei slug it out to decide once and for all, who is Kai’s one true pair, while the blunette is blessedly oblivious to the whole thing.


_Standard disclaimer applies._

**Title**: Battle of the Ex's.  
**Genre**: Humour.  
**Rating**: General.  
**Characters**: Yuriy, Takao, Rei, Kai and Max.  
**Classification**: Shounen-ai.  
**Summary**: (AKA Or So They Assume As Such) Yuriy, Takao and Rei slug it out to decide, once and for all, who is Kai's one true pair; while the blunette is blessedly oblivious to the whole thing.

**Note**: I am a person --as I'd like to believe-- of tolerance. I have no grudge held against other pairings. I don't think that my favourite pairing is superior to others, nor do I believe that reading stories with different pairing is like committing blasphemy and will bring on the end of the world. Therefore; flames for TyKa fans preaching their superiority and like wise for ReKa fans (most of the times against each other) are unwelcome. And if the thought even flits through your mind, please, don't review.

This note is just made half-heartedly really. My reviewers in the past (sans a selected few anti-slash flamers --this applies to you too) have never been anything but sweet, courteous and just downright loveable _–huggles- _But it's just as a precaution.

Thank you for your time.

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Battle of the Ex's  
_--By Reiven—

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"I'm telling you, Kai winked at me while we were having breakfast this morning!" bits of rice flying through the air and growls of disgust from the two people in his company did not deter Kinomiya Takao for talking simultaneously as showing spoon after spoon of food down his esophagus.

Brushing off the chewed pieces of food off his clothes with a napkin, Yuriy Ivanov scoffed and spoke in a sardonic tone; "Maybe bits of your flying breakfast caught him in the eye?" tossing the fouled cloth aside, he lowered his elbow on the table and rested his chin on his knuckles, casting a superior glance around though the strands of his red bangs. "Kai and I used to share a bed back when he was still at the abbey. If you must know, he can get pretty clingy at night, especially in winter."

Rei Kon huffed; "Kai and I shared a bed anytime we were assigned to a hotel room," the corners of his mouth curled into an uncharacteristic smirk, "He can get pretty sweaty at night, especially in Asia's tropical climate. I've even set up a basket next to the bed before hand for him to put his top and his scarf."

"Well…once, I walked in on Kai while he was taking a shower and…"

"Isn't that considered immoral?" the redhead sneered from his seat at the right of Takao. "Not that I'd expect anything less from the likes of you, Kinomiya. I don't know why Kai puts up with you all the time, especially when he's got me back home, keeping the bed all warm and comfortable; a hot cup of coffee waiting for him on the kitchen table."

"That's why," Rei cast a sidelong glance at the Russian captain. "In case you haven't noticed, he _does_ have me. He told me once that he liked running his fingers through my hair and playing with my braid."

"Maybe because it reminds him of the leather whip we used to keep in the closet," Yuriy's eyes glinted as his mind was cast back into the past.

"You guys are too freaky," downing his third glass of milkshake; Takao leaned back and threw his arm over the back of the chair in content, his free hand rubbing his full stomach. "Don't you listen to the rumours, the beliefs that made the world what it is today…the fangirl code of conduct?"

"And what might that be?" Yuriy sneered.

"Rivals do it best," Takao flashed them a wide grin. Holding his two fingers out in a victory sign.

"So, we're going by that code now, are we?" Rei straightened up; his irises became slits as the threat of a challenged gnawed at him. "Then I'll have you know, it's always the good-natured, silent type that manages to melt the heart of their aloof, unapproachable comrade."

"You two are not only as moronic as I'd earlier concluded, but delusional as well," Yuriy had his eyes closed as he shook his head slowly, seemingly amused by the theory the two people before him had concocted. "But if you insist on this childish reasoning, I'll have no choice but to go along with it. Allow me to paint this scenario for you: childhood friends fighting on the opposite side. Neither of their hearts truly in on making an enemy of the other, but obligations to their philosophy prevents them from being together. The angst. The drama. The unresolved sexual tension. It's an Oscar worthy script if I ever saw one."

Both Rei and Takao glowered, trying to come to terms with the fact that his viewpoint was _somewhat_ convincing. Heck, even they'd pay money to watch a movie with that plot line.

"What? No retort this time?" flipping his silky red hair back, Yuriy mirrored Takao's pose, but the difference was that he looked elegant doing it. Takao probably would have achieved half that level of elegance if he didn't have his shirt pulled up to his nipples, exposing his tightly pulled and slightly bulging stomach.

"Just attempting to construct a logical opinion of that is almost impossible," Rei lied. But all's well in love and war, and boy, this was a war if they ever saw one. "I'm sure that you, of all people, know that Kai is not hesitant about anything. Especially something as mediocre as friendship."

"Oh, this coming from the person he dumped to run back to me for? No, I apologise. You'd have to have been together to actually get dumped, don't you?" Yuriy chuckled, balling his fist in front of his lips to politely hide his amusement. But everyone knew that the aloof captain did not do polite; this was merely an action on accentuate his mockery.

"And the one person who'd be most informed about that would be…_you_, wouldn't it?" Rei trailed in mid sentence only to finish with an equally mocking tone.

"Hey. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were ignoring me," Takao shot to his feet in an action to cast all attention on him. His attempts at intervening in their verbal argument had gone unnoticed (even by the authoress) and if there was one thing that irked Takao more than limited serving at a buffet, it was people taking no notice of him. The fact that that happened quite often when he was in a room with any of the Russian bladers or Kai, or the Russian's _including_ Kai, did not sit well with him.

Taking a calm sip of his mocha latte, Yuriy cast his eyes to the rippling liquid, "I will disregard your comment for the sake that you don't know any better. After all, one knows not to blame the ignorant for being dim-witted. It's like blaming a tiger for its stripes," he lifted his cup in a ridiculing toast.

Rei always live by a simple code of conduct; do onto others as you would want them to do to you. But that saying was completely wasted whenever the redhead was in question. He'd do the same onto anyone as he sees fit, regardless of their age, sex or standpoint. In a way, that quality was quite respectable. Yuriy did not discriminate against anyone; they were equally pathetic and forgettable in his mind; except for Kai, as he'd pointed out frequently.

If Rei was not as caught up with Kai as he --quite piteously-- was, he'd even go as far as to say that that certain quality of Yuriy's was almost endearing.

"Don't ignore me! I know you're both just jealous because Kai completely hugged me after his match with Brooklyn."

"HE DID NOT!" tempers raged and eyes glowed with a menacing fire, Yuriy and Rei shouted as their heads snapped around to glare at the navy-haired blader.

"He was exhausted and you were just lucky that you reached him first!" Yuriy spoke in a tone that was a few octaves higher than his usual calm voice. He hadn't personally been at the match, but he'd seen the replays on television many, many times. He'd even had Boris record it so that he'd be able to watch it even more times; though the part with Takao had been forcefully scrapped.

"He was too preoccupied with looking at me that he tripped on that pebble!" Rei interjected after Yuriy finished. He had envisioned that scenario so many times that his brain had come to accept it as fact.

Takao snorted at the exasperated expressions on their faces. "If only I had a camera on me now. I bet those pictures would bring up quite a bid on eBay," he adjusted his cap and hooked his hands around his waist, air of annoying smugness being emitted by his very being gnawed and clawed at Yuriy and Rei's skin. "But I guess those who can't have, get jealous and start denying things."

"I'm sure you're a great expert on denying things, _Kinomiya_," Rei gnashed his teeth, fists balled at his side and glare locked onto the haughty Takao.

Yuriy cleared his throat and adjusted his clothes in a composed fashion. When he seemed to be satisfied with his appearance, he turned to the two still glaring teammates. "Like I said, you two might have this hallucination in those empty heads of yours that Kai would ever think more of you than Euro trash--"

"I'm Chinese."

"I'm Japanese."

"And I'm sure that someday in the distant future, I'd actually be bothered to give a damn. But the fact of the matter is that Kai and I go back a long way, back when you were still sucking milk out of your mothers' breast and no matter what you believe, Kai and I are destined to be together. We're the opposite of each other in every way, appearance…element, the works and if that isn't the perfect match and may those who think that be damned."

"You're in a very 'damning' mood today, aren't you?" Takao squinted his eyes disdainfully as he and Rei shot a glare to the self-righteous redhead.

"I'm not going to deny that you two probably had something back then, but this is now. The Kai today isn't the same as the one you before. He's kinder, more social…okay, a _little_ bit more social…" he added when Yuriy raised an eyebrow and gave him a look of disbelief, "You two maybe the opposite, in appearance, but he and I are opposite in personality. He needs someone to comfort him, treat him with kindness and, in short, be like a bottom to his undisputed sex appeal."

Yuriy spluttered for a moment before throwing a raged glare at the Neko-jin. "Are you insinuating that I am not submissive enough for him?"

"O-kay, now this conversation has just become ridiculous!"

"I'll have you know, Kon, that I can smother Kai with comfort if I so much as wanted," throwing his head back, he cupped his chin with three fingers, "Why just look at this complexion, the cute, upturned nose, the high cheekbones. Kai need a gorgeous partner as to _accentuate_ his sex appeal."

"Now if there was anyone who would be the perfect partner, it would be me," Takao stepped up, took off his cap and pinched his own cheeks before flexing his arms. "The epitome of cute if I ever saw one," he regarded his reflection half way across the room with a toothy grin.

Rei, whom had been watching the exchange silently, decided to take action. Grabbing his pony tail from behind him, he undid the bind that kept the long headband together with one swift movement, exposing his shiny, black braid that fell all the way down to near his thigh even in hand. His fingers worked though the simple knot that had been looped just with his own hair and with one tug, the entire braid unraveled before he reached up and pulled off the headband. Rei threw his silky black hair back where it was caught in a sudden and mysterious gush of wind and flowed like an infinite stream around him. The bright shine of the overhead lights reflected on the mane, creating an almost halo-like glow over him.

Yuriy and Takao could not tear their eyes away. They had had heard rumours about Rei's hair, but none have ever seen it in person (except that one time during his battle with Boris, but that didn't count. Falborg's wind attacks had seriously been a canker on the whole spectacle.)

The muttering crowd in a mile radius, or at least the ones that fit in the hotels' dining room, all stopped whatever they were doing as the peculiar shine caught their eyes. They were transfixed.

"Rei…" Takao's eyes glittered with adoration, "It's gorgeous…"

Rei had a look of superiority on his face that seemed so unbecoming of him, and yet, so appropriate, "I will captivate Kai with my most prized asset." To emphasize his comment, Rei ran his fingers through his long tresses, strands slipping through his fingers as if it were liquid.

Yuriy refused to admit it, especially to his face, but Rei's hair was indeed captivating. With much effort, he managed to resist the urge to walk up and stroke it.

"What are you doing?"

The deep, droning voice broke whatever reverie they'd managed to get caught in and all three turned around to face the disapproving face of Hiwatari Kai.

"Kai?" as if all three of them suddenly shared one brain cell, their minds could only concentrate on one thing; how hot Kai looked in those trousers, black button up shirt and his trademark scarf. They barely managed to hold themselves back from pouncing and ripping those clothes right off his body.

Kai eyed them for a long moment, looking first at Takao, who was closest to his right, then at Yuriy, opposite him at the end of the table and finally at the wild haired Rei on his left. "…did you forget to brush your hair? It looks horrendous." Kai had only stated an innocent fact, but at that moment, a loud crushing sound was heard before Rei's heard plunged deep into his stomach and he slumped over where he stood.

Yuriy failed to keep a fleeting smirk from crossing over his face at the Neko-jin dejected expression, while Kai could only raise a questioning eyebrow. Clearing his throat pointedly, he turned to Kai with a serious expression. "Where are you going?"

"Out," he answered simply.

"For a walk?"

"Perhaps."

"I remember that one time when we went out to the park, back home in Russia. We shared our first kiss then. It was the best day of my life. Do you remember?" Yuriy had a faraway look in his eyes as he gazed lovingly at the blunette.

"…not really…"

At that moment, Yuriy suddenly felt a stabbing pain in his chest, like someone had turned his heart to ice and proceeded to tend to it with a sharp ice-pick. It shattered, the shard imbedding into the wall of his chest, his lung, constricting his air way. He slumped over. Red hair falling over his face to hide the shocked/dejected/hurt expression his face was set to.

A tick had developed beneath Kai's left eye as he surveyed the two brooding teens before him and the dark cloud that lingered above their heads. He swore that he heard a soft melodramatic melody somewhere in the background too.

Takao snorted into his palm. "So, Kai," he adjusted his cap and looked at Kai. "Want to get some ice-cream?" he gave an almost unnoticeable wink to which Kai answered with an even more bewildered look.

"No," he answered simply and straight to the point.

"Want some fries?" he held out a basket that looked half eaten, the fries were cold and had sometime ago gone limp.

"No."

"Err…want some milkshake?"

"No."

"Why not, Kai?" Takao almost whined as he stared at Kai with big-puppy-dog eyes. "Don't you like me?"

"No."

With that direct and mono syllable answer, Takao dropped to the ground, curled up in a ball with his knees pull up to his chest and whimpered. Even Yuriy and Rei who had been faced with the same standoffish attitude felt pity for Takao's plight. He'd just been downright rejected by Kai.

"Kai!" The doors to the hall flew open and in bounded the hyper form of Max, a grin spread wide across his face. The paid no heed to the disapproving look cast by the other guests as he bounced right over to Kai. "Are you all set?"

"Hn."

"Awesome!" he grinned broadly and hooked his elbow into the crook of Kai's own.

At that moment, three jaws simultaneously dropped over.

"A-All set?" he stuttered, still not quite believing what was happening in front of his eyes. Max had his arms around his Kai, and their stoic captain didn't even look like he's about to rip the offending limb off. Instead, his eyes were shut in a peaceful manner, hands pocketed.

"Yeah. Kai and I are going out for coffee," he chirped, "We just discovered that we both love the same kind! It's that great?" he added, seemingly oblivious to the heated glares being shot at him.

"Are you sure that's a good idea, Kai?" Yuriy inquired scathingly, "The twerp with coffee in his system could probably bring on the end of the world."

Kai shrugged off his words; he too seemed oblivious to the animosity brimming in the air.

"It's like a date, isn't it?" Max cast a glowing smile at the tall teen he was currently attached to, "You, me and the gorgeous coffee…and sugar! I'm so excited!"

Without allowing his captain a response, Max bid his friends a cheery goodbye and half dragged Kai out the door.

And when it was all over and done with, Rei, Yuriy and Takao shared a look with each other and let out a breath of exasperation.

"I let Kai have his freedom," Yuriy attempted to look unperturbed by the turn of event, even after his previous desolation, but he could not stop the tick of irritation in his eyebrow.

"Yeah…can't have him cooped up in a house like some household item. Even a carpet gets to have it's moment in the sun," Rei nodded his head, but his hands were crossed over his chest and hands balled into fists, his fingernails digging into the palm of his hand, drawing blood.

"What could Kai and Max even do after Max has downed his tenth cup?" Takao agreed, "…want to go watch Manhunt and eat some popcorn or something?"

"Yeah, good idea, Kinomiya…for once in your life," the scorned redhead muttered that last part under his breath.

"I'm in. I'm going to predict that Jon Johnson will win this," quickly indulging into the matter, Rei attempted to get the thoughts of what Kai and Max could be doing out of his head, "I don't think it'll be Hunter though, he's a little…creepy."

"I've been having the exact same thought," Yuriy stated in a shocked tone, as if the thought of him and Rei ever being on the same wavelength was something surreal.

"No way. I totally see Rob as the winner type."

And with that, Rei, Yuriy and Takao made their exits, leaving the prospect of a future relationship Kai lingering over the stained table they left in their wake. What they knew was that while this temporary truce had taken place unexpectedly due to an event beyond their control, the battle was not yet ended.

One day, the world will come to realise who truly is Kai's one true pair!

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--Owari--

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The authoress was rooting for Jon Johnson. There're just something about the laid back surfer type of guy…you know.


End file.
